Thursday, April 9, 2015

Confidence is Key.

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness." -2 Nephi 5:27 💙

Once again, this post is not for sympathy or for attention. It's to make a point.

I posted a few months ago about having dealt with an eating disorder. Following that post, and still to this day, I get letters and messages from people, telling me about how 'strong' I am and that they're proud of me.

I feel hypocritical.

And I feel like I should make it known, that I have not overcome the eating disorder. All I did was put it into words, what it's like. But that voice, it's still there. I did go through a quick period of time where I felt superior to the disorder, but lately I have come back to seeing myself as nothing most days. Since that post, I will admit that there still have been weeks where I have purposely eaten less and days where I made myself throw up.

It has never left my side.

In class the other day, my gals were talking about diets and working out and goals, yatta yatta, when one of them pointed out that every girl sees something wrong with herself. It seems as if there will never be a day that any girl is actually, honestly, COMPLETELY happy with who she is.

This hit me.

Even if I starve myself, even if I workout excessively and follow a strict diet, I will most likely still see myself as below average, as fixable.

So to break things down: I'm unhappy with how I look now, so supposedly I'm going to be unhappy while not eating and stressing out about my appearance, just to still be unhappy with how I look after losing whatever goal weight?


But that is pretty much what has been going on. So, rather that stressing out about 'looking perfect,' I want to try stressing out about finding happiness in myself.

Obviously that is easier said than done.

I realized today, there is never a time that I look into a mirror and don't critique something about myself.
That needs to stop.
I probably shouldn't even look in the mirror as much as I do, anyway.

I realized, as well, that I look at girls with envy. I judge my weaknesses next to their strengths, and I tear myself apart all day every day because of it.
I absolutely hate that. And I know I'm not the only one doing this.

 But there are those immaculate people, though, who radiate confidence. People who have found a way to be happy with themselves, despite the flaws they see.
I dream to one day be one of those people.
These people, whether 378 lbs or 85 lbs, buff scrawny old, whatever, THESE PEOPLE ARE RADIANT TO EVERY ONE WHO MEETS THEM.
And that is a fact.
Confidence brings people happiness, happy people make other people happy, and if you make someone happy they automatically like you, and if they genuinely like you they just see you as spectacular. End of statement. Confidence is key.

So to sum this all up, I still struggle. But my newest goal is to do what makes me happy.
I'll run and workout, because I like to, and I'll eat healthy most of the time, because it makes my body feel good, but I'll still eat a box of Samoas, because I like them. And I won't stress out about it. I shouldn't care that I don't look like Candice Swanepoel, because I'm just not her and I will never ever be her. And that's no big deal.

I do what I want, when I want. 2k15.
xo Zo 💜

IG: @zoevanwinkk